As the clouds lifted and the sun came out today, Zorak was able to rise above his wretched circumstances - literally:



He has moved about 30 inches up our window (based on a crayon outline we made yesterday), and there he remains, our loyal mascot.

Here is an artist's rendering of our mantis friend, enlarged 1,000 times.


Also pictured is designer Mike Royer (left).

There's been a friendly fire incident here at CiN. Video-game reviewer
PJ "Player 1" Hardtospellname recently took a shot at me in his column
about Madden NFL 06.

Player 1 writes:

"You rookies will need to practice long and hard before you can even think of competing with those snobby bastards who have flipped over to Dear Doug to get a nonsensical answer as to why their nipples itch."

Well, here's my rebuttal:

1. Dear Doug readers are not "snobby bastards." Disgruntled weirdos, maybe. Fart-joke-loving freaks, perhaps. But definitely not snobby bastards.

2. Uh, hello? I never answered a question about "itchy" nipples. I answered a question about "hurt" nipples. I know nipples and there's a distinct difference.

3. Yes, I am "nonsensical" at times. But am I the only one? Here's a portion of Player 1's review of Samurai Western:

"I love sushi and grilled steaks.
I enjoy both the occasional Western and kung fu flick.
Hot sake and cold beer are yum yum in Player 1's tum tum."

Yum yum in Player 1's tum tum?

All I'm saying is that self-described "gaming sluts" who live in glass houses should not throw stones. Now if you will excuse me, I have to answer a burning question from a Covington divorcee who desperately needs to know why turds are brown.

This is Zorak, our new mantis friend. He is currently attached to the window of our office.

I like to think he came here all the way from Hattiesburg, borne on the remnants of Hurricane Katrina. (Someone said there's a nest of mantises - mantii? - in the 10th-floor parking garage. Bah! I will have my epic tale of a single Mississippi mantis's storm-swept journey!)

He's been there for at least six hours now, so I think that makes him ours now. Spiffy! We need a mascot - especially since the intern left.

Since I'm sure you're looking for every possible place to vent about Bob Huggins and Nancy Zimpher this morning, here's what we've found:

• The Post's Lonnie Wheeler thinks its a mistake: "The University of Cincinnati is where standards are so important that they're doubled. It's where hypocrisy holds the highest offices. ... Today, the university is manifestly less esteemed, while its staunchest supporters are just plain steamed. Today, the university is up-and-up a creek, is all."
• Mike DeCourcy at The Sporting News has two posts. One is about Bearcat basketball going in another direction (any direction) with lots of comments about graduation rates and a Memphis fan offering Huggs a job. The other one about how quickly the decision has to made with a comment from a fan promising to never again go to a UC game.
• Andy Katz at ESPN thinks Andy Kennedy is a short-term fix only with no long term prospects.
• His colleague Pat Forde is expressing shock and even admiration that a univeristy president stood up to a popular sports figure: "In terminating Bob Huggins, Nancy Zimpher might have started the clock on herself. But she showed the toughness, leadership and authority that a president should when dealing with the athletic fiefdom. Score this one a victory for the eggheads."

Among local bloggers, there's actually less traffic than I expected.

• Joe at The Nati is upset. He's decided to stop going to games.
• Brian at Cincinnati Blog is happy, contending that Huggins and those who support him are what is wrong with college sports.
• Chris is wondering if Skip Prosser would like to come back to town.

And finally, Jason D. Geil has posted his favorite photos of Huggs and the pom-pon waving Prez during (semi-)happier times last spring.

Oh, and here's the original stories: ENQ | POST | WCPO | WKRC | WLWT

Got a post? Add a link below.

I've practically sworn off heels for everything but the most special occasions (that includes most weekends). They're not practical. They're painful. And the shoe obsession is hard to keep in check. So to play it safe, I stay away from the stiletto.

But when I happen upon a pair of great vintage designer heels, I'm right back in the game, and instantly three inches taller.

Last Friday after our lunch, my coworkers rolled back to the office and I stopped into Fourth Street Boutique (135 W. Fourth St., downtown) to check out the anniversary sale. The store has its share of stuffy power business suits, silky blouses and "slacks." But beyond the window displays there are racks of designer dresses for $10 or less (a new one for every party!), rows of fun bags, hip jewelry and shelves and shelves of shoes.

And that's just the top floor.

The best deals are in the "bargain basement." During the anniversary sale (and many of the boutique's other sales), everything in the basement is just $1. If you can handle a little sorting through sequined gowns, pleated pants and wool jumpers, you can come away with a whole load of fun items for under $5.

On this lucky Friday, I came away with a pair of black Gucci heels for $1. I mean -- $1!!! (My meal at Margarita's was $10, and it certainly didn't give me three inches of height or have any bling-factor.)

The point here is not that designer labels are important. I would never buy new Gucci heels. But I feel like I'm somehow working the system when I find them for $1. It's just too amazing.

Plus, sales at Fourth Street Boutique go to benefit the Dress for Success program (http://www.dressforsuccess.org/where_we_are/affiliate.asp?sisid=18&pageid=1). The sale ends in early September.


I love my new heels. They're pretty simple - black with a tiny gold Gucci emblem. But so classic! And just $1!!

I walk into Beryl Love's office paying attention to nothing around me, except Katie Kelley who leads the way. I'm here and I can't believe it. For months, I emailed and called Mr. Love about getting a summer internship with CiN Weekly. I even "stalked" him a few times when I showed up to a few CiN live events. When I read this weekly newspaper, it was love at first sight. The writing was excellent, the staff was hilarious and it seemed to fit my lifestyle.

Back to the story.

Katie Kelly sits me down in Beryl's office. I'm ultra-tense but that doesn't last long when Beryl says, "This is going to be a pretty informal interview." So we talk a little bit about my job at the Shadowbox across the river, if I'm ready for school to be over and you know, the usual stuff that makes someone feel comfortable. Before I know it, the interview is over and I'm off to my car. I was really happy for some reason but I hardly remember a thing.
For a week or two, I chat my teeth, wondering if I scored the job. I wanted it so bad. I really wanted to leave my other job and I didn't want to work at some retail store or whatever. I worried so much about that it seemed like months before they got back to me. But I was prepared for the worst.

Finally, I get a call. What to think?

It's Katie ... and she asks me if I still want the internship. Woohoo! I think I thanked her about a million times and sounded like a two-year-old. I already knew this was going to be one of the best jobs I've ever had - and it was. Not only did this internship convince me that I should pursuing writing/reporting as a career, but it was also convinced me that I love Cincinnati. I've learned so much more about the Queen City within three months working at CiN. I learned about some of the nooks and crannies, the bar scene, the quirky events I never knew existed and finally, "the CiN way." The funny thing is, I've lived here all of my life.
I could probably write pages and pages, thanking these CiN Staffers but that might get a little unnecessary. I'll keep it short and attempt to do this blog thing. Here goes:

Beryl: I still swear that when I ran into at Everybody's Records it was purely coincidental. Anyway, it was pleasure to work under you and do some intern grunt work. Thanks to Katie, Sue and you, I got to work one of my dream jobs. Hence, the reason I was always so enthused! Keep me updated on the Swarthy drama.

Dan: We will see Rufus, oh yes, we will see Rufus. When you set up the online forum for my cover story that was so awesome. I'll miss the rubber bands hitting me in the back of the head everyday. Have a happy wedding.

Dave C.: I'll say it again, your baseball odyssey story really spoke to me. After I read it, I wanted to go on roadtrips like that too.

Gina: You're seriously my big sister. Thanks for letting me nag you, while you worked on some killer cover stories or any story in general. I heart your writing and I really look up to you. And thanks for getting me hooked on hummus, jerk.

Jamie: I probably would have never visited Mr. Gene's had you not pressured me into going there. I'm hooked.

Jon: There was a time when you gave me some notes on "the Cin way", when doing cal briefs (I'll miss those). That was exactly the kind of stuff I needed to become better writer. Thanks again.

Julie F.: You being the stylista and all, I'm glad to have your approval that cross-pantsing is A-OK.

Kari: I've already found someone new - just kidding. You, as well as Kelly, are "crazy-good" copy editors, keep up the killer music stories. We'll definitely have to hit up karaoke again sometime.

Katie: You had me sold at CiN when the first assignment you gave me was happy hour at Cock 'n' Bull. I've never had a job that requires me to drink beer and eat some delicious food. There were times where I was folding because of the pressure but you understood. Thanks so much for letting me take on a lot of assignments.

Kelly: I keep wondering what would happen if Thursday, your cat, met Gracie, my dog? Anywho, I enjoyed the Thursday night hangout with the Enquirer crew and the late night Batman and Robin. Keep on truckin' as the grammar ninja.

Leigh: We'll always have our near death experience at Gravelrama. Seriously though, thanks for running around with me, taking photos and all. It was always fun, especially Puppy Camp.

Mike: You and Me, Happs. 'Nuff said. I can't wait until you direct the robot story.

Rob: And Andy, Tyler and The Shakedown! will play a killer show sometime.

Ronson: Looking forward to Burrito Tuesdays. Thanks for getting me hooked on Bloc Party and for being an awesome dude to hang out with.

Sue: I had a lot of fun, hanging out with you and your boyfriend at the Summer Soiree. You have always been so nice to me, thank you. It's too bad you couldn't get any sweet kicks at Trivet's.

Tabari: I was always jealous that you got to see all the new films. But you're an excellent writer and great at interviewing people. I also enjoy thoughts for thoughtful, keep 'em comin'.

And I'm spent. My last day was Friday but I went out of town for a few days. Thanks again you guys for everything, I'll definitely see you around.

We didn't know this and maybe you haven't seen it either. Kaldi's has a new web site up with their opening schedule.
Thanks to Brian and Joe for the link. (Somebody wake up Google.)

A reader by the name of JIMBOB is claiming he will "call his congressman" if I don't run his letter regarding my Fields Ertel Road column.

I fear all politicians so I'm giving into the odd threat.

Here's part of JIMBOB's email:

Sadly, many readers have no concept of the Fields Ertel of bygone years. Try to imagine a skinny length of country road, stretching from Rich Rd. all the way to Rt. 42 in Mason, and only one grocery store along the way. That would've been McCabes, in the 50s nothing but a small "mom and pop" at the corner of Montgomery Rd. and Fields Ertel. Alas, I digress into nostalgia.

The burning question of how or what Fields Ertel is answered in the following research, dredged up by my sister (who now lives in Florida) and myself (who now lives in Cleveland). First, here's what the Symmes Twp. Historical Association had to say:
And now, from the book, "Loveland From Its Beginning," we find:
I do hope this puts an end to the mindless speculation about "scientists" named Suitbert and the fart jokes. Field Ertel is a road with a real story, and a real heritage. For me, it will always remain the place where I fished with a cane pole in Conner's pond all day, while about three cars total drove past.

I appreciate you looking into the matter, JIMBOB. And I apologize to you - and your congressman - about the insensitive and hurtful Fields Ertel-related fart joke.

For anyone bummed by the Aug. 3 power outage that drastically altered the 3 Doors Down concert at Riverbend, the band is coming back on October 24.

That's a Monday, the show is at 7:30 p.m. and tickets will be $10 for the pavilion and $5 for the lawn.

Here are some of the details from the press release we got:

• Ticket holders from the August 3rd concert will be able to purchase the same number of pavilion tickets or the same number of lawn tickets that they had previously purchased;
• Patrons must bring their ticket stub(s) from the August 3rd show to the Riverbend Box Office between Friday, Aug. 19, and Thursday, Aug. 25, to purchase pre-sale tickets to the October 24th concert. [Riverbend Box Office Hours are Monday through Friday 11-5 or Saturday 11-2];
• A portion of the ticket proceeds from the Fan Appreciation Concert will be donated to the Yellow Ribbons Support Center in support of our troops.
• Following the pre-sale period any remaining tickets will be made available to the general public at 10 a.m. on Saturday, Aug. 27.

The blog: Malls of America posted a nice vintage photo of Florence Mall. Remember this?

"This Southern mall looks like a lush 1970's fantasyland here!"

The Dealer's thought-provoking coverage of the Great Inland Seafood Festival reminded me that I had meant to write about my own experience. Because the truth must needs be told, y'know?

A bunch of us went to the Bacchanalian Society's wine tasting Thursday. Once the Pinot Grigio stopped flowing quite so freely, we headed over to Newport for lobster and Tiffany - because, come on, lobster and Tiffany!

So her show was supposed to begin at 10, but when 10 had passed and there had been no sound check, rearranging of the stage, or anything indicating a performance to come, we started to get antsy. So we started asking around. (Um, one of us - *cough*Ronson*cough* - might have told a few people he was president of the Cincinnati chapter of the Tiffany fan club.)

We heard two stories that night to explain why Tiffany never showed. The story Leroy Ellington and the E-Funk Band told audience members as they took the stage in her place is that her plane was delayed. The story we heard from festival workers is that Tiffany saw the (frankly) sad and almost-deserted festival, pitched a fit and refused to perform for such a podunk event.

If I ever meet Tiffany, I will ask her this question: "Hey, Tiff - can I call you Tiff? OK, Tiffany, then. Tiffany, you already agreed to play a seafood festival in Newport, Kentucky - at what point did you decide it was beneath you? No, seriously. Was it when you saw that there were less than 100 people at the whole festival? Because playing at the Newport seafood festival woulda been OK if only there had been, like, a thousand people watching?"

It's cool, though. We went to the Southgate House and saw some kickin' rockabilly. Plus, I got a $10 lobster, which allowed me to better contemplate the mysteries of the universe:

"Stupid is as stupid does."

While many people know the following quote from Tom Hanks' seminal favorite Forrest Gump, not a day goes by where someone - such as the lovely (and I use the word "lovely" loosely) couple from Tennessee who got busted celebrating a second honeymoon in Columbus after going on a Bonnie-and-Clyde style rampage in Tennessee - shows not everyone understands why it's such a great quote: because it's true.

And with that, I present to you an extra special "stupid" edition of Thoughts for the Thoughtful.

AND THE NOMINEES ARE ... - You know, if you were to visit his official Web site, you would think everything is all sunshine and roses in the bizarro universe Terrell Owens lives in. But click just about any other sports Web site in sight and they all seem to indicate the same thing: Terrell Owens is a certified jackass.

While there are plenty of athletes who annually if not monthly vie for the title of the biggest jackass in sports, three athletes have gone to extreme lengths to put themselves in the front-running for the title of biggest sports jackass of 2005.

• Rafael Palmeiro, first baseman, Baltimore Orioles. [1] After waving his finger defiantly at Congress earlier this year and [2] Denying former teammate turned exposé author Jose Canseco's accusation that he took steroids, [3] Palmeiro was busted of not only taking a steroid, but taking one of the most powerful ones in existence, meaning that [4] Not only have his Hall of Fame achievements been tainted, so much so that he "asked" the Orioles to cancel a ceremony scheduled to celebrate his 3,000 hit [5] His manager became a lame duck for an embarrassed Orioles front office, but [6] Congress may seek to prosecute him for perjury.

• Kenny Rogers, pitcher, Texas Rangers. Jackass accomplishments: [1] After breaking a bone in his non-pitching hand punching a water cooler after coming out of a June 17th game against the Washington Nationals [2] Rogers goes on a rampage against two TV cameramen less than three weeks later. Simply filming Rogers as he walked out onto the field, Rogers is arrested and charged with misdemeanor assault after verbally abusing the two men, yanking a camera off of one man's shoulders and causing him to suffer two herniated disks in the process [3] While awaiting word from Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig's office on his penalty for the offense, Rogers goes off on another TV camera while getting booked at a Texas courthouse [4] After being suspended 20 games for his actions by Selig, [5] He, with full support of the player's union, lobbies and gets an arbitrator to get his suspension reduced to only 13 games (about three starts) and his fine changed to a charitable donation [6] He fittingly lost his first game back this week.

• Terrell Owens, wide receiver, Philadelphia Eagles (?). Jackass accomplishments: [1] He showed up the Dallas Cowboys not once but twice standing on the star in the middle of their home stadium a few years ago before getting tackled (finally) by a Cowboys player who had enough (3 out of 5 on a stupidity scale); [2] He indirectly called his former 49ers teammate Jeff Garcia gay in a Playboy magazine interview (You remember - according to T.O. "If it smells like a rat ..."); [3] He cursed out former 49ers offensive coordinator Greg Knapp (now with the Atlanta Falcons) on the sidelines of a nationally televised game; [4] After failing to stay on top of his (now former) agent and file his paperwork to become a free agent, T.O. raised a stink that got him out of being traded to the Baltimore Ravens, rescinding on a deal Ravens linebacker (the best currently in the game) Ray Lewis lobbied for his team to make after talking and buddying up to T.O.; [5] After making a miraculous comeback to play in the last Super Bowl, T.O. goes on a rampage, saying Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb - who also lobbied to get him to Philadelphia after he got out of the Baltimore deal - saying he wasn't fit mentally or physically to handle the pressure and then began his rampage against Eagles' management because [6] Despite having signed a multi-year, $49 million contract, T.O. pulled a Latrell Spreewell and said he was underpaid and needed to "do what's best for him and his family" only to [7] "Suffer" a groin pull after his current agent, Drew Rosenhaus, skip out on a fan autograph session which fans literally drove hours to come see him and then re-injure his groin before [8] Getting into an argument (let's go with this one) with and cursing at Eagles head coach Andy Reid and getting sent home from camp for a week [9] Only to be seen hours later playing basketball (his first love) in his driveway and "no comment"-ing his way through a series of impromptu interviews.

• Verdict: If Sports Jackass of the Year was an actual award, it's a safe bet these three might maim each other fighting for top prize. I just can't take it anymore.

YOU'RE NOT SPIDER-MAN While he's probably nowhere near as paid as any of the athletes mentioned above, this guy recently proved he's just as - if not more - idiotic than they are.

CANDID CAMERA RUN AMOK. This one is pretty self-explanatory - what happens when a man wants to look up women's skirts and gets caught? He gets arrested.

PUT DOWN THE MOUSE, MAN! Depending on the results of a visit to the doctor next week, I may or may not have torn a tendon in an already injured thumb playing a game of NFL 2K5 (which ironically features Terrell Owens on the cover) last week, my love of video games will never be as fatal as this guy's proved to be. What a way to go ...

PROPS FOR POPS. You know what? I like some - repeat some - politically incorrect humor as much as the next guy, but the idiots at the San Francisco radio station
deserve what they got for this one. San Francisco Giants Manager Felipe Alou had every right to feel the way he did in reaction to their comments, especially after they had dug up a plan to try to further embarrass themselves by trying to embarrass him. There was no humor in their statements, just dumb, ignorant thought process or lack thereof.

WHAT'S IN A NAME? Lastly, I would be remiss to end this week's edition without a shout-out to "Anonymous," the dedicated reader who always takes time to pick me apart or criticize me. I would mention your name, but I don't know it. I'm glad to know you look forward to me irritating you each week, whoever you are, because as I always say, I am here to entertain you when no else will. Take care; I will have to catch up to you later as I'm soon to be off on my way to Scribble Jam.

But have no fear - because just like a bad reality TV show, I will be back.

For me, Coldplay has always been a "background music band." I've been skeptical, afraid to get too close to Coldplay, seeing how effortlessly their songs seem to find their way onto mainstream radio (pretentious, I know!). Nonetheless, I've quite enjoyed some of their radio hits: "Yellow," "Clocks," "Speed of Sound." The songs are semi-epic compositions, with layers of powerful piano and guitar setting the tone for Chris Martin's earnest vocals. But they're also predictable enough to be easily forgotten, and formulaic to the point that many of the songs sound verrry similar.

Regardless, I scored some tickets to the Coldplay show at Riverbend and decided to give them one last chance to woo me with their moody British ways. (And, yeah, I was sorta hoping to see Gwyneth and Apple there too.) About half the CiN staff was going, so I hitched a ride with staffers Kelly, Leigh and Ronson, and also dragged along my roommate Pam.

After sitting in lots of traffic and parking out in no-man's-land, we missed the opening band Black Mountain (which is unfortunate since they were my Hott Band of the Week last week). But we marched on, wandering through the people-sea in the surprisingly crowded lawn. Blankets were everywhere and people were killing time between bands -- guzzling beer, making out, making calls, checking each other out. We finally settled into a little grassy patch and in between whispering about shocking fashion sightings, compared our expectations for the show. None of us are huge fans, but we knew "Yellow" would be a highlight (Ronson predicted confetti).

Finally, the band took the stage, backed by a full on light show. A huge, very bright screen backdrop behind the band flashed through the rainbow, setting the tone for Chris Martin's spastic stage-yoga, which was a steady theme of the performance. (Note, however, that this stage-yoga was very heartwarming. Who else can play the piano while doing a seated pirouette?)

Our view of the actual stage was limited, but we had a great view of the "Skyline Chili Vision" screens, which was like watching a music video being edited before our eyes. (A little overwhelming.)

The band launched into their set with the spaced-out song "Square One" (also the first song on their latest album X&Y). The song -- with its subtle but steady techno-rock beat, U2-inspired guitars, angelic vocals and Coldplay’s trademark dynamic sound -- perfectly set the tone for the rest of the show. Surprisingly, the band played "Yellow" early in the set, and as Ronson predicted, giant yellow balloons and confetti dropped from the ceiling of the pavilion. Even Chris Martin himself seemed a little embarrassed by the episode and encouraged fans to pop the balloons ASAP.

Coldplay knows how to get radio play and they also are smart enough to keep their set timeless, playing memorable songs from multiple albums. When all was said and done, Coldplay was better than I expected and much more captivating than a couple radio hits could convey. I even walked away with a re-affirmed appreciation of "Yellow" as my favorite Coldplay song ever.

What other CiN staffers said about the Coldplay show:

Beryl: "I have to say, aside from the fact that they were just obviously having fun and at the peak of their creativity, that the whole visual experience was just amazing."
(But he was not impressed by the yellow balloons during "Yellow.")

Kelly: She gave the show a rating of 6.5 out of 10. "And really the only reason it's that low is that I'm not a huge Coldplay fan and I don't really know all of their songs. My favorite song they played was 'God Put a Smile Upon Your Face,' but I do wish they had played 'Daylight'."

Rob: "It was better than the last two shows I saw (at Riverbend). But then again that was Toby Keith and Kenny Chesney." (Note: Rob is actually a Coldplay fan and has seen them before. He is not a country fan. He was just shy about giving his actual review.)

Ronson: "The thing that surprised me most about Coldplay is how a band with absolutely no up-tempo songs actually managed to keep things pretty energetic for two hours or however long they played. Pretty much all their songs are ballads, anthemic maybe, but ballads nonetheless. I wasn't nearly as bored as I thought I was going to be."

What the roommate said about the show:

Pam: "Coldplay's performance was rock steady. The music was played with enthusiasm that was encouraged by the crowd and amplified by their stage performance. From the yellow balloons to Chris Martin's interpretive dancing, to what seemed liked he was making love to his piano, the show with all its flashing lights, went off with a bang. They played every sing-along, radio-hit song as well as others from their records. Not being
a dedicated Coldplay fan, I was entertained throughout."

Note: Mike Royer did not contribute to this report.

Occasionally we get requests from readers who are looking for something they remember seeing in CiN, but can't quite remember where or when. We're usually glad to oblige and send a link or copy of an article.

A reader today contacted us looking for stories on downtown living. We found a few, but when we tried to send them, the email address was invalid. So ... if anyone knows an M Jacobs who probably does not have amt.org as the domain of his/her address (what an interesting Web site though, I guess!) ... here is what we found.

Renting downtown

Downtown office

Downtown apartment style

And MJ if you read this, let me know!

Back to the world of editing!

As long as I've lived here, people have been working to make the Cincinnati region (Greater Cincinnati? The Tristate?) a bigger tourist destination.

The latest effort is Cincinnati USA, a regional tourism network with the slogan, "All Together Surprising." Not bad marketing in my opinion.

But having just returned from a trip to North Carolina's Outer Banks area (or "OBX" if you pay attention to those black and white oval stickers people put on their cars), I know what Cincinnati USA is missing in its quest to be a hot tourist spot.

T-shirts.

And not just any variety. I'm talking about the irreverent, sometimes racy ones that are ubiquitous in any major travel destination.

Beach spots such as the Outer Banks have the usuals, such as "Official Bikini Inspector" and "OBX Beach Patrol." A new shirt in the men's section this year boldly states, "Tell your (breasts) to stop staring at my eyes." (Hey, I'm just reporting the news here.)

Since we don't have a beach, we will need to rely on some other local amenities for our T-shirts. Here are a few possibilities to get the creative juices flowing.
- Cincinnati: Three-way capital of the world.

- Official Reds Fan (I stay past the third inning on bobblehead night).

- Oktoberfest Bier Inspektor.

- Cincinnati: What the puck happened to our hockey teams?

Get the idea? Imagine what we could have done with last weekend’s Goetta Fest in Newport?

- Goetta life.

- Goetta: Let nothing go to waste.

So much fodder to work with, and we haven't even gone the route of cornhole and flying pigs. Not yet, anyway.

Feel free to add your own suggestions. If I get some good ones (meaning anything better than my lame attempts), I'll share them in a future column.
If anyone's smart out there, we'll see some of these shirts by the time next year's summer travel season rolls around.

In working on my Scribble Jam cover story (OK, shameless plug, but pick it up next Wednesday!), I got to thinking about just how much hip-hop has changed since I was a kid. I went to the "Original Superstars of Hip-hop" concert at Annie's in the East End last week and while there were plenty of eye-opening things to see - especially in regards to some of the outfits in the crowd - the thing I'll remember is just how nice it felt to watch four veteran artists do their thing.

But alas, while we all get older, not all of us get wiser. And that can only mean one thing: It's time for another dosage of Thoughts for the Thoughtful.

DIRTY BIRD. There's a lot of talk about Baltimore Orioles player/debatable future Hall of Famer Rafael Palmeiro right now thanks to the suspension he received following baseball's second-most recent steroids incident (Seattle Mariners pitcher Ryan Franklin was also suspended for 10 days the next day). And you know what? He deserves all the criticism he gets until it is proven he didn't take the steroid purposefully. I'm no doctor, but if he took the Hummer of steroids, wouldn't you be lead to think he knew what he was doing.

Think about it: If I worked in a restaurant and came out to your table with a purple hamburger with a blue bun and said, "Hey, eat this" and you couldn't find it mentioned on a menu anywhere and I was the only one offering to you, wouldn't you be at least the little bit suspicious? I know people who throw away the free product samples that come in the mail! C'mon Raffy - you and the porn star 'stache both need to come clean. I wonder how the Viagra company feels about having had you as a spokesman now??? Then again, you can always hang out with Pete Rose and do chili commercials I guess ...

STILL NO. 1. Speaking of sneaker deals, Reebok recently announced this major blockbuster deal with Adidas that will clearly make it the No. 2 shoe company in America if not the world. And that's where they're going to stay because of three little words: Jordan and LeBron.

Nike's marketing savvy (minus the Kobe Byrant decision) to lock Michael Jordan and LeBron James up (not to mention Carmelo Anthony, Tiger Woods and Derek Jeter among others) will keep them at number one for years to come because people simply love those two athletes like none other. (Can you readily name a Reebok spokesman off the top of your head? Didn't think so.)

I have a friend who has two obsessions in life: Jay-Z and Jordan brand shoes ... and he didn't even buy a pair of S.Carter shoes after Reebok signed his hip-hop hero to a shoe deal. Until you can change the mentality of people who obsess about having the latest Jordans (ooh, look - they come in camouflage!) and LeBrons, you have no shot at becoming number one.

ANOTHER REASON TO TRUST CiN! You know what, I've written a lot of movie reviews, some of which some of you have told me you didn't necessarily agree with. (Feel free to keep that e-mail coming, both positive and negative, as any feedback is better than none.) But no matter how you end up feeling about my points of view, I will make you one promise right now: You will never, ever have to worry about someone trying to buy me off to produce a scandal like this one. I saw Hollow Man when it came in theaters and which I could blame it on Sony, but I did it of my own free will. Oh well, I can probably still sue 'em anyway. (This is America, after all!)

DARKNESS FALLS. Rick James is dead - and according to this report, so is Chappelle's Show. On a positive note, Dave's new stand-up comedy DVD For What It's Worth comes out Aug. 16th and the show gave us one thing the world truly needed: An inside look into the insane and hilarious look into the life of Eddie Murphy's big brother Charlie, a new star on the verge. Darkness is spreading!

20/20 VISION? Here's something I'll bet some of you will find shocking: I like Kathy Griffin. Self-deprecating humor has always been a big hit with me, and no one does that - or ragging on celebrities - better than the loud redhead from Suddenly Susan. But here's something not so funny straight from Kathy herself. Looks like I'll be keeping my glasses on at least a little while longer.

TRAINING DAY. I'm trying to work out to be in better shape. But I've quickly come to realize a few things in the process: [1] If someone opened up a fast-food restaurant with baked or broiled food, they'd be rich. [2] If you want to be healthy in America, it's going to cost and hurt a lot and [3] thank the good Lord in heaven I'm not a pro football athlete. These workouts are just as billed - insane.

THE ICEMAN MELTETH. Finally, what would be a summer without a Vanilla Ice reference? Not as funny as this, that's what! Catch him at the Great Inland Seafood festival in Newport next week, but pick this up with extreme caution!

Thanks to Backstreets Magazine for linking to CiN's quiz earlier this week. Backstreets, which focuses on all things related to Bruce Springsteen, has been publishing for 25 years and has a circulation of about 16,000.