Ode to Ernie

Jan. 11, 2006

Dear Friends and Family,

Over the past 13 years, you have come to know and identify me by my glasses, my smile and my little green car. Well, one part of my identity is dying from a terminal illness. My mechanic told me that it was "only a matter of time."

"How long?" I asked.

"Weeks," was his sullen reply.

The clutch, along with the brakes, wheel bearings, tires and the entire undercarriage are about to go. But which will go first?

CONTEST ALERT! Whoever guesses correctly the ailment that finally renders my Geo Metro (Ernie) dead wins a grand prize equal to the value of said Geo. Furthermore, whoever comes closest to the final mileage of the car without going over will get the worn cow-print seat covers donated by Sarah many moons ago. The car's current mileage is 149,030.6. All entries must be received before death. Send soon.

Sobbing,

Dean

I sent that e-mail more than a year ago, and Ernie kept rolling. What on Earth could stop him? Driving on the sand dunes of Oregon didn't stop him. That dirt road up a Wyoming mountain didn't stop him. The Kalamazoo, Mich., blizzard didn't even slow him down.

I bought Ernie in the summer of 1993 with money I had saved from mowing lawns and working at Camelot Music in high school. Throughout his life, I ignored comments like, "How many AA batteries does it need?" and "Dude, the gerbil needs a rest." A car that got 50 miles per gallon and could still haul bikes, telescopes and canoes while fitting in any parking space was a dream come true. His broken door handles, temperamental heater and duct-taped windshield wipers were mere eccentricities.

My "tin can," as Mom called it, seemed invincible. I fantasized that he would run forever. I pictured myself singing to my grandchildren above the engine noise. And then an unforeseen malady struck that few cars can survive: transmission failure.

So the contest is over. At 152,237.5 miles, Ernie just won't go anymore. Because his demise was neither fiery nor explosive, he will quietly return to the earth from whence he came or be unceremoniously cubed at a Kellogg Avenue facility.

Congratulations, Uncle John - you've won the grand prize! For guessing that the transmission would go at 152,002 miles, you will be receiving a $15 Banana Republic gift card and the ancient cow-print seat covers in the mail soon.

You can see Dean Regas hitchhiking or commuting by scooter from his home in Columbia Tusculum to the Cincinnati Observatory, where he teaches astronomy to kids of all ages.