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Looking for some dads to hang around with
BY COLIN THORNTON
When I moved from Chicago to Cincinnati, I was hoping that I would find an active at-home dad community. Would there be an Internet resource for fellow fathers to plan weekly play groups? Would there be other men watching their children on the playground?
Would pigs sprout wings and fly?
Choosing to be the primary caregiver is not an easy decision for any parent, but being an at-home dad is exceptionally isolating. I was stuck in a small apartment with a little adorable creature who couldn't even speak the English language. My friends were all working, and they had little patience for my desperately lonely phone calls.
My first obstacle was to actually accept my status as an at-home father. Yes, I worked on the weekend, but it was I who wiped the diapers during the day. It was I who gave up my low-wage job to subvert the potential daycare payments. It was I who would receive the stares from strangers and the comments from family. And it was I who would need to find a way to deal with it.
The first resource I discovered was chicagodads.com, a Web page focused on bringing at-home dads together for weekly play groups and for a monthly dads' night out. It was great! I attended my first play group and embarrassed myself asking all the questions and concerns that had been plaguing my mind for the past few months. "What do you guys do during the day?" "Where do you go during the week?" "How do you get your babies to take naps?"
I was even encouraged by other dads to attend the annual convention for at-home dads. For some reason, I had a fear that we would be seated around a tribal campfire beating drums and grunting about the virtues of fatherhood or other inanities. Thankfully, it was just a well-informed series of seminars that helped me overcome many of the obstacles and emotions that every at-home father must face.
I met dads from all over the country, including a dads' group from Dayton that claimed hundreds of active members. I hoped that Cincinnati would prove to have similar activities for fathers, that the playgrounds might be thriving with equality, but my hopes have more often been proven false. In fact, there was an at-home dads' group that recently dispersed.
I often wonder ... will the Cincinnati community of dads ever meet again? Will there be another time when the fathers outnumber the mothers on the playground? Will there be a local fatherhood revolution? Will pigs sprout wings and fly? Well, in this city, anything can happen!
Colin Thornton lives in North College Hill. Contact cincinnatidads@yahoo.com to help start a new Dad play group.
When I moved from Chicago to Cincinnati, I was hoping that I would find an active at-home dad community. Would there be an Internet resource for fellow fathers to plan weekly play groups? Would there be other men watching their children on the playground?Would pigs sprout wings and fly?
Choosing to be the primary caregiver is not an easy decision for any parent, but being an at-home dad is exceptionally isolating. I was stuck in a small apartment with a little adorable creature who couldn't even speak the English language. My friends were all working, and they had little patience for my desperately lonely phone calls.
My first obstacle was to actually accept my status as an at-home father. Yes, I worked on the weekend, but it was I who wiped the diapers during the day. It was I who gave up my low-wage job to subvert the potential daycare payments. It was I who would receive the stares from strangers and the comments from family. And it was I who would need to find a way to deal with it.
The first resource I discovered was chicagodads.com, a Web page focused on bringing at-home dads together for weekly play groups and for a monthly dads' night out. It was great! I attended my first play group and embarrassed myself asking all the questions and concerns that had been plaguing my mind for the past few months. "What do you guys do during the day?" "Where do you go during the week?" "How do you get your babies to take naps?"
I was even encouraged by other dads to attend the annual convention for at-home dads. For some reason, I had a fear that we would be seated around a tribal campfire beating drums and grunting about the virtues of fatherhood or other inanities. Thankfully, it was just a well-informed series of seminars that helped me overcome many of the obstacles and emotions that every at-home father must face.
I met dads from all over the country, including a dads' group from Dayton that claimed hundreds of active members. I hoped that Cincinnati would prove to have similar activities for fathers, that the playgrounds might be thriving with equality, but my hopes have more often been proven false. In fact, there was an at-home dads' group that recently dispersed.
I often wonder ... will the Cincinnati community of dads ever meet again? Will there be another time when the fathers outnumber the mothers on the playground? Will there be a local fatherhood revolution? Will pigs sprout wings and fly? Well, in this city, anything can happen!
Colin Thornton lives in North College Hill. Contact cincinnatidads@yahoo.com to help start a new Dad play group.
posted 10/10/2006
26 comments
26 Comments:
Good for you...I hope you can find or form a group. It is refreshing to see someone challenging stereotypes.
I'm bored.
I just thought of a wonderful way for you to fix this problem....GET A JOB!
Oh dearie me! Call the wah-ambulance!
Better yet...suck it up and quit whining on your isolation at being a stay at home dad. Why should any parent need strokes and a group of dad contacts for doing the right thing, staying at home and raising the children you and your spouse chose to have?
Play with your child
Explore all the cool stuff Cincinnati has to offer children
Mop the floor
Do some laundry
Have a nice dinner ready for the mommy who works full-time and I suspect will be taking care of more than "child" when she gets home.
I wrote this article.
I don't really think it's cool that people are attacking me. I understand that publishing an article publically opens myself up for criticism, but my comments are pretty innocent.
Derek's comments are harsh, and I don't think I deserve that.
Is it really considered whining to write about my hopes to start an at-home dad group? My daughter is very well taken care of, thanks. I'm being attacked as a father and husband because I want to make some friends? I'm sorry, but I wasn't expecting these type of reactions at all.
Just to make this conversation more productive. I would love some advice about child-friendly places to go in Cincinnati besides the zoo and aquarium.
Please be nice, thanks.
I was a stay-at-home mom for a few years and it is very lonely and at times, mind-numbing. It wasn't just that I wasn't getting the social outlet that I needed, it was also the fact that the only things I thought about during the day were trivial things, like what the kids were going to have for lunch. I didn't feel like I was being productive. I think that some women or men who feel like they have to stay home to raise their kids can feel stuck. It's a great job, but adults need to do things for themselves. There needs to be more opportunities for parents to work part-time, including daycare options. I am much happier now that I am working a part-time and getting out with the rest of the world and I feel like I can appreciate my kids more because I’m not with them every minute of the day.
(It doesn't matter if you write about your adorable puppy, someone is going to hide behind their blog mask and insult you. And it's usually those bloggers that are bitter about their own life, they feel the need to rip someone else to shreds…)
Colin,
I enjoyed your article. My husband works from home so he is also able to be at home with our 2 year old daughter everyday, which saves on daycare. Prior to me working full time, the roles were reversed. I stayed at home all day, but after a few months I realized that I needed human interaction!! I highly recommend the Childrens Museum...tons to do.
***I am so tired of people on here who feel the need to complain and give their opinion when it is not productive or wanted. I suspect that most are single....and don't know what it takes to raise children.
Just ignore them....oh and Cincinnati is not filled with a bunch of Ignorant, racist, bigoted,losers. I hope you didn't get that vibe from previous blogs.
I agree with the mom who said staying at home with kids can be rewarding but mind-numbing (something quite a few stay-at-home parents feel but refuse to admit). When you know the words to every cartoon and your biggest decision of the day is what cereal to feed your child, maybe you do need to get out ( I don't mean that in a nasty way). If you are happy and stimulated, your child will be too. I don't have kids so I can't speak from experience, but whenever I talk to a stay-at-home mom (I don't know any stay-at-home dads) I almost always feel bad for them in the fact that many (though not all, so no attacks please) can only talk about what their child did on the playground or what episode of Dora was on today. There is little to no other interaction for them.
Here are some ideas for getting out and interacting:
-Some local movie theaters have baby-friendly movie showings
-You could volunteer at a school that might have a daycare for a few hours... schools might not mind the child being with you if he or she is young enough
-You could take on some volunteer work that could be done at home (assemble brochures, make newsletters, stuff envelopes, etc)and invite a friend over to help
-Take some online classes
-Head to a child-friendly fitness class or join a gym with free childcare (YMCA for example)
-Look up children's events at bookstores-Borders has storytimes
-Head to a nature center or park
-Check with a nursing home and see if you can volunteer-the patients might enjoy seeing a baby
who is the ignorant dumbass derek who is yelling at this guy to "fix this problem" by getting a job? i dont have kids but its obvious that daycare is incredibly expensive and i applaud those who give up a more fulfilling adult work life to give their child the attention they need and deserve...and not yourmommy is an idiot as well... or rather a bully.
Some ideas as to what to do during the day:
You might try contacting the library. They may have baby or toddler storytime.
Play area at the local mall.
Not ideal, but is there any possibility of getting some/all of the members of the dispersed dads group back together? I would think they would feel the same way you do.
I know there are many stay at home moms groups (MOPS, Moms, church groups, etc.). Perhaps you could contact one of them indicating that you are looking for a stay at home dads group, they may know of something.
Good luck!
I apologize if I came across as harsh or as a bully. That was not my intent.
But honestly after being a stay at home mom and now working full-time, I just get exasperated with dads who make a big deal about staying home and how challenging it is. Yes it's tough, but why do you have to talk to other dads? If your outside job is tough, do we need a support group? Can't you network with neighbors/other stay at home folks who might be women? There are plenty of things to do and places to explore with children. Actually small children delight in the simplest of adventures.
So again, I apologize.
Heh there Colin!
Just a note from the Dads in Chicago - you and Sasha ROCK and we miss you loads, even if you do have questionable taste in trousers :-). Was good to see you last weekend (soz I didn't make the drinks) and hopefully see you again soon!
Peter and Charlotte.
p.s. We have our Derek vodoo doll and will be forced to use pins and needles.
Honestly, staying home with a baby is not comfortable or natural for men. It's really not like the movies where we are bumbling idiots, but it is a little bit of a learning process. And I think women are probably generally better at it. So, add the learning curve plus the social pressures, and you have a recipe for depression and loneliness.
I'm truly over those feelings; my comments in the article were honest reflections of how I felt at first. One of the things that helped me was making friends who were dads. And that's all it comes down to... not a need for a support group.
I don't think it's fair to compare an at-home parent to an office worker because that office worker will always have co-workers. I would compare it to an American working in Poland. Yes, there are a few people who speak your language, but there probably aren't a lot of Americans who are in the same situation. And if there are, you would want to meet up with them once a week.
And thanks for the ideas for stuff to do. I especially like the idea of volunteering because I have been trying to avoid selfishness lately.
Hi, Colin! You think you feel lonely in Cincy? My husband was a stay-at-home dad while we were stationed in Italy. I'm the active-duty parent, and our dynamic is really unusual. Though the military is great about having groups for families, he was REALLY out-numbered. He eventually started a group for dads at our base, and about three participated - which was all of the SAHDs in that area! So, we considered that a success!! :) Now that we are in the states, again, he's working, but those first two years with our daughter meant the world to him and I feel so blessed that she has a close relationship with him. I can't help, but think, too, that her wit and intelligence NOW is a result from his undivided attention THEN.
Best way to set up a group is exactly what you are doing: hitting the Internet. Maybe print out flyers and hand them out at libraries, doctors' offices, churches, etc. I don't think that Cincinnati is lacking SAHDs ... I just think they tend to stay home feeling like there's nobody out there! Good luck!
BORING BORING BORING, next topic.
Wahhhhhhhh stop making fun of me Derek, that's not nice. Boo-freaking-hoo. You can't find any stay-at-home dad's because nobody does that. There are barely any stay-at-home mom's anymore. What happens when your kids start school? Do you still stay at home and sort your potholders? I was just joking with you the first time, but since I see you are such a baby then why not stir it up some more. Now, here come the angry defenses.....
Seriously though, pot holders? Ha ha...that was so funny the way you finished me off with such cleverness.
I didn't realize you were a troll whose flames have been innocently misinterpreted. I'll go call the wah-ambulance. I have them on speed dial.
It really is boring. Move along. Move along.
You must be sitting there staring at your blog and checking the comments every 3 minutes, am I right? A little extra free time? I guess you get some of that when you watch Dora the Explorer all day. A troll? what the F is that supposed to mean? and how did you know I lived under a bridge and had blue, frizzy hair? What is most boring here is this subject.
Potholders!
OK, I will move along now.
So says the lame boy who just made another comment ten minutes after mine. And, by the way, this is my article that I'm defending. What's your excuse for wasting all your time on my "boring" blog?
Oh by the way, here is the definition you walked right into...
In Internet terminology, a troll is usually someone who enters an established community such as an online discussion forum, and posts inflammatory, rude, repetitive, offensive, off-topic or otherwise disruptive messages designed intentionally to annoy or antagonize the existing members or alter the flow of discussion. Often, trolls assume multiple aliases, or sock puppets.
Colin. I just read your blog. And I could not help wondering: Maybe the problem is not that there is a dearth of at-home dad groups. I can only imagine that Chicago is more cosmopolitan than Cincinnati--sorry Cincinnati--, and provides a more eclectic at-home dad mix. When I was an at-home mom we were not living in a big city like Chicago. I was stuck in a tiny town in Northern Minnesota. I found out really fast that, although I was a woman and a mom, I shared almost nothing else in common with women in the mommy groups. In my experience, the mommy groups were basically church-groups that advocated/supported one type of mommying. The mommy group prototype was a white woman, in her thirties and older,who limited herself to a conventional housewife role. The most common topic was: my husband is my third child. And the second was: I am nursing, how can he even think about wanting to touch my breasts? [Both topics alienated me.]The favored group activity was always crafts, like scrapbooking, which I never had enough money or the inclination to do. After too much wasted time and energy, I stopped going to mommy groups. I realized I was not ever going to fit in. Alternatively, I got really, really into self-care. I started running and lifting weights, and I got into the best physical shape of my life. I researched and ate super wholesome foods. I made my own household cleaning products and learned how to make soap and perfume from essential oils I created. (All took research which I found intellectually stimulating.) I baked bread every day because I found kneading bread to be a relaxing, sensual experience and I found it satisfying to smell something for 4 hours that I made. (Bonus was feeding it to my children, or giving it away to neighbors.)I read incredible, and sometimes difficult literature and followed-up online, using sites like www.sparknotes to supplement my comprehension. This led to meeting people who were also into those things, but before I got to the stage where I was meeting people based on doing what I love, I enjoyed being physically active/educating myself in solitude. I did have to be creative in finding ways to accomplish these things with 2 girls in tow, but I managed it by finding snatches of time. I always looked at those snatches of time as bonus moments, so that I was able to be *present* for my kids when they needed me/not resenting them for needing me. I tell you all of this, Colin, because even women who stay at home sometimes do not fit in with the mommy-set. The only thing I had in common with such women was the choice to stay home. Be nice to yourself. Really, really nice to yourself, and everything will flow from there. Love, Colleen p.s. Colin: Get and use a kiddie backpack nearly every waking minute and you will stay active, accomplish a ton, and have a very happy child.p.p.s. Adorable picture of the two of you.
If you are a stay at home dad, your wife is cheating on you with some guy she works with or somebody who actually has a job. I should know, my friend is a stay at home dad and I nailed his wife (once in their kitchen while he was asleep the couch in the next room - she made so much noise I can't believe he didn't wake up)
If you'll go to the places where you'll mix with other parents, you'll eventually find a few like-minded adults to hang with. Once school starts (whenever that is), the parents there will be additional possible friends.
I know everyone is gonna say the whole "its part of life, what do you expect?" crap, but I just wish I could go 2 minutes of my life and not have to hear about poop, and daipers, and baby vomit and playing and aghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
I'm a douche....
-Colin
My word.. I think Derek might be a kid of another stay-at-parent who has comandeered the internet and is trying to act grown up.
Anyway, Colin--have you posted on Cincinnati's CraigsList about the possibility of starting a stay-at-home dad group (similar to the one you had in Chicago)? I'm not sure if you're familiar with CL, but there is a community section on there and you can post a notice about wanting to get together and people can reply to your original post.
My mom is a stay-at-home parent, and she always has been. When I was born, 22 long years ago, she quit her job in order to raise me. Then 7 years later my sister was born. So my entire life, I've always had at least one parent home and let me tell you... speaking from the viewpoint of a child, having my mom at home was such a huge blessing. Just knowing she was there was such a good thing, and I know that as your daughter gets older she will have a special bond with you because of the fact that you were the primary caregiver. The relationship I have with my dad is much different (though not in a bad way at all) with my mom, simply because of the time I spent with my mom.
Anyway... I'm sorry people have been so rude on this comment page. People are angry and lash out at others for inexplicable reasons... maybe they think they're being witty.
Good luck!
notyourmommy, being an at-home dad is not the same as being an at-home mom. I know from experience that it's much harder to get "in" with playgroups and other moms. I had a playdate cancelled because the mom of the child, told her husband where they were going and he freaked out. If he ever watched his kid, he'd know that you really wouldn't have time to fool around with three kids running around.
And lets face, it, society is set up for mom to stay at home. If you've ever read parents magazine or any of the hundreds of the "home" magazines (redbook, etc...) they are all geared towards women. There are very few resources available for guys who stay at home with the kids and do the housekeeping and cooking.
I think your first response completely validates and proves the point of how we have a hard time getting a foothold into the at-home local communities. It's okay for women to get depressed or feel isolated and give the "i cook and clean all day" speech, but if a guy expresses the same feelings, he's weak. When a woman does it, she's standing up for herself.
I think the negative comments are completely missing the point anyway. This is a guy who would like make some friends for himself and his child. Who's life is so empty and miserable that they feel compelled to leave a reply, ripping the guy?
Anyway, notyourmommy, I appreciate your second reply, where you at least acknowleged why you wrote what you wrote, and added an apology.
It's not like the writer tried to insult anyone in his article. He's just looking for some advice and friends. How dare he! Imagine the audacity!
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